Opening Statements

Hey, all you people from my college. If you followed me here, I assume you just want more “In Defense Of” articles and have no interest in my tangential ramblings. Stop cheering, I know you want to read about my forays into the dark world of fan forums (you cruel monster). As much as I would love to trundle right back into the vomit puddles, I have a bit of a scheduling hiccup. In short, I will have to disappoint you more than usual. This is just an introduction to the blog, not a true entry into my award-winning (totally not joking) series of puerile articles. Fret not. You will witness pop culture torture every week, published on Saturdays. I apologize for the slight delay, but I forgot I had to graduate from college today. Not to brag, but I look quite dashing in a hat with pointy edges.

'Sup ladies.

‘Sup ladies.

So instead of rambling, I would like to re-introduce the series. For the accustomed among you, you may not want to read it. Your critical intellect may be churning out thoughts like, “What reason would I have to skim something I perused in February?” or “What am I doing on this insipid blog?” or “Why can’t I take my eyes off that dashing gentleman in the pointy hat?”

'Sup ladies.

I mean… damn.

My reply is simple. Hippos. hippo1 In order to attract my new blogging audience, I have altered my format using visual aids. Exhibits, if you will. So read anyway. I promise at least two more pictures of hippopotami, nature’s most comedy-rich animal. I beg you, read this article for the hippos.

The poor, misunderstood, shockingly violent hippos.

The poor, misunderstood, shockingly violent hippos.

With that, welcome to the courtroom. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to go toss around my mortarboard like a ninja star. -Justin Chisham, Attorney at Law*

In Defense Of…
Welcome to my new weekly blog, titled… well, it’s up there in the big font, so I won’t write it again and insult your intelligence. You may be wondering exactly what it means if this is your first time with me. That will become a bit clearer next time, when I have something to go all Atticus Finch over.

Eh, he'd look better if he had a mortarboard...

Eh, he’d look better if he had a mortarboard…

Anyhow, in this column, I will be laying down hard evidence to save my clients. You are the judge and the jury (info on the executioner role to be determined). Since this is the internet, I can totally violate all proper procedure and badger my witnesses into submission. Hooray for interwebs. Anyway, one role remains unexplained. Who will be my client? What poor soul is left quivering and weeping in the corner, left with no one to defend them but some fourth-rate pretend attorney? Who could possibly be in such dire straits as to need me, Justin Chisham, Attorney at Law*?

Fake, but still devilishly handsome.

Fake, but still devilishly handsome.

The answer, ladies and gentlemen, is simple. I will defend the most downtrodden and frequently targeted members of American culture. These poor… things, I suppose, are hounded day in and day out by nearly every member of the cultural elite. I have brought it upon myself to defend the weak, the stupid, the inane, the vulgar and the painfully quaint members of pop culture society. I’m talking Twilight, Nicolas Cage, Thomas Kinkade, Ke$ha, Fast Food, Reality TV, Online Trolls, Golden Globes, Nickleback, Michael Bay, Katy Perry, Disco, RomComs, Sitcoms,  Family Circus, Soap Operas and Cosplayers.

Oh yes, I went there.

Oh yes, I went there.

So you haters had better beware, and all you secret fans can finally rejoice out loud. In this world, there is no such thing as a guilty pleasure, and no entertainment is too cheesy to be honored. I mean to appreciate the worst pop culture, even if I must die a little every time I read a fan blog. If I fail, I volunteer my body to experimental pop culture testing.

"Dr. Steever, these hippos appear to be 70% too hungry."

“Dr. Steever, these hippos appear to be 70% too hungry.”

So welcome to something better. Or, more precisely, something much, much worse. In a good way.*

*-yeah, totally not.

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