In Defense of Wii U

wiiuheadHey, I’m back. In case you are wondering, yes, my mother did buy cannabis beer in Amsterdam. It was terrible. But now that my vacation is over, time to get back to business.

So I return from my overseas gallivanting to catch up with the news, like any good citizen should. I sift through all the useless crap, “further economic downturn” this and “new movie is terrible” that. Eventually, I remember something I missed during my week away from the U.S. of A.  I’m speaking of the biggest video game convention ever, a sentence I say with a bit too much glee.

nerdcard

E3 is the largest convention centered on video games, taking place annually in Los Angeles. I’ve never been, but the opportunity would be a dream come true for the video game geek lurking within my cynical exterior.

Of course, my expectations were too high. As always.

E3 was apparently quite dull this year. But this entry is not meant to defend a convention where even surprises are unsurprising. The internet has removed any mirth from the annual showcase.

The internet ruins pretty much everything.

The internet ruins pretty much everything.

Instead, I will be defending something I prayed would change. There were rumors it would be altered, but the worst came to pass. But first, let’s go back a generation.

Nintendo’s last console was titled with the base sound of hula hoops, forcing buyers to say, “I would like a WHEE!” like a giddy (and of course needy) four-year-old. When I asked for mine, I also got a pat on the head and a lolly.

Now that I’ve owned it for a few years, I possess mixed opinions on the thing. Honestly, if it didn’t play Gamecube discs, I would scream at it every day. As is, I only scream at it when attempting delicate surgery via waggling and wrist gyrations.

STITCH DAMN YOU STITCH!!!

STITCH DAMN YOU STITCH!!!

But that’s not the point. I unabashedly hated the name. But like the lemming Nintendo fan I am, I carried the burden with gentle good humor. I also prayed the next console would be titled something better.

Guess who expected too much.

The next console is solidified as the Wii U. Instead of learning from their mistake, Nintendo decided to add yet another vowel. Ooooo, good one. I would have used an umlaut, but what do I know?

The Wii U looks to be going further down the proverbial rabbit hole, with this whole ridiculous iPad controller shtick. But on the plus side, Wii U is getting HD visuals, better third party support and less waggling. At least, I pray for less waggling.

Our developers, who art in Japan, full of vowels be thy name...

Our developers, who art in Japan, full of vowels be thy name…

But let’s be honest. No matter the griping about weird tablets and awkward motion controls, it’ll probably be pretty good.

Overall, gimmicks are not the best selling points. 3D has gone by the wayside (hopefully), Kinect is failing on many fronts (definitely) and the Wii has slowed to a crawl. However, let’s not forget who sold 800 billion systems. Nintendo may be gimmicky in modern times and avid gamers may glare at them with disdain, but the fact remains that they know how to sell things. The Gamecube had no gimmicks, and it failed everywhere but in my heart.

I love you.

I love you.

On the other hand, the Wii was a phenomenon. In addition to that, the thing does have some good games going for it. Gimmicks don’t work normally, but Nintendo makes them work. It is an unprecedented fact of the industry.

No matter how much ennui we throw at it, Wii U will probably be successful in the end.

But that name, oh that name. I wish it was literally anything else. I would personally rush out to buy the Nintendo Monkeylips. Then again, I also recently drank cannabis beer.

Where was I? Oh yes, conclusion.

So when you hear dissenters distrusting the Big N, remember who could literally buy your house and dress you up like a Pokémon. Money is not a good measure of success, but it does prove that they know how to make something popular. They even get some quality products mixed into their piles of money. In the end, they know what they’re doing, even if they are vomiting vowels with reckless abandon.

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