In Defense of Pet Costumes

petsotumeshead

I’m a guy. I understand we’re all pigs, but I had no ulterior motives when I began this entry. Just to be clear.

So when I started this week, I wanted to examine the awful modern trend of making costumes “sexy.” If you buy your Halloween costume through the internet, chances are you take this holiday too seriously. Also, you’re probably a slut. Statistically.

As part of my initial research, I looked through costume catalogues. About an hour later, I started feeling like a voyeur. Or at least a perv. It didn’t help when my mother walked in and I screamed “NOTHING” without provocation.

This stuff is weird, and I don’t want to be associated with it. But… it’s comedic gold. So here’s a taste of my pain (or if your a perv… GET OFF MY SITE)!

Off with their heads.

Off with their heads.

No, that was a joke...

No, that was a joke…

No mustache?

No facial hair?

Shouldn't of said anything!

Well… nevermind then.

Why?

Why?

WHY?

WHY?

GOOD LORD, WHY?

GOOD LORD, WHY?

Ahem. I think I’ve made my point. And ladies, if you desire some “eye candy,” I’ve provided a link to a sexy male costume site. Objectification for all!!!

I didn’t know how to defend annual possible-fantasy sluttiness, but I was unable to stop my pursuit. I know what you’re thinking, and stop. I’m a good person!

Then, on a page full of slutty doctors, slutty cheerleaders, slutty hamburgers and slutty Big Birds, I stumbled across this…

FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY, WHY???

FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY, WHY???

Sorry to include that pic. I guess I’m not that good of a person.

Yes, this is a thing. Objectification used to belong solely to homo sapiens, but now pets have joined us in the murky swamps of terribleness. According to this article slideshow, there is a “Harem Dog Costume,” a “Marilyn Monroe Dog Costume” and a “Rayroy Runny Dog Costume” (good job with the clever copyright avoidance!). The author reminisces about the good old days, when our pets could simply be ironic and/or funny, and bring joy to everyone instead of gasps of astounded terror.

The last line of the item description is, and I quote, "now let Muffy express herself!" That involves a doggie cone bra, FWI.

The last line of the item description is, and I quote, “now let Muffy express herself!”
That involves a doggie cone bra, FWI.

It’s not just dogs, either. In my searches, I found costumes for cats, birds, hamsters and boa constrictors. I elected to ignore hyperlinks for those. You don’t need to be tempted by morbid curiosity.

But you know what, I agree with a return to the good old days of normal pet costumes. When I began this entry, I would have told you how sad and creepy it is to dress up your pets. Now I know that statement isn’t even scratching the surface of insanity. So if you want to dress your pet as something cute and not at all skin-crawling, I promise to never make fun of you. I will praise your name to the heavens, for I have seen worse things beyond previous imagining.

Pet costumes, in my revised opinion, are great. As long as they’re not “sexy.” So with that knowledge, here’s another slideshow.

Aww.

Aww.

Aawww.

Aawww.

I want.

I want.

(Skipped Doggie Osama, so here's a shark.)

(Skipped Doggie Osama, so here’s a shark.)

Look at the bowtie!

Look at the bowtie!

Double –

Double Awwww.

– Awwww.

And... eh, still kinda weird.

And… eh, still kinda weird.

I’m not sure what to say about “sexy” costumes for humans. Frankly, I don’t want to defend objectification, even if it’s self-inflicted. But that’s not the point this week.

Hopefully we can all agree that pet costumes should never cross the line humans have danced over for centuries. We can teeter on the edge of taste and acceptance all we want, but we should let pets be cute, as they are meant to be. If that means you want to put your dog in a costume every year so you can make kissy faces at it, go for it. And if anyone makes fun of you, tell them there are worse things in the world of doggie costuming.

Like fake pooch boobs.

Like fake pooch boobs.

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One thought on “In Defense of Pet Costumes

  1. Pingback: In Defense of Sexy Halloween Costumes | Pop Culture Courtroom

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