In Defense of Star Wars Sequels

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I now have two Star Wars-related posts. How the hell did that happen?

If you recall my previous ranting, I don’t even really like Star Wars. Go ahead, send me hate mail, I don’t care anymore! I write about Honey Boo-Boo and Furbys, there is nothing more you can do to me!

But… I will refrain from repeating myself too much. For those who don’t read my blog every week, I will recap my opinions. Ahem…

Star Wars is, at it’s best, effectively fun. At it’s worst, it’s trying to be complex… with laughable ineptitude.

There's nothing I can say that hasn't been tweeted in all caps.

There’s nothing I can say that hasn’t been tweeted in all caps.

Now I would normally welcome defensive arguments about your precious, precious Star Wars franchise. I’m used to the cacophonous tones of your whininess. But frankly, I don’t care this week. So save your discussions about Greedo and order of fire and Ewok blinking and “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” and Ki-Adi-Mundi’s boots (I’m sure that’s controversial in some circle). And, perhaps most importantly, stop talking about the insanity of George Lucas. We all know the man is a sack of old potatoes.

Indeed!

Indeed!

Instead of talking about those six films (using the term lightly in some cases), I want to discuss something else. I want to discuss the KABOOM you heard on Tuesday when Twitter was engulfed in nerd fire. You know. Disney + Star Wars – sack of old potatoes.

The always-entertaining Star Wars purists (it’s even funny to write) have taken to crying in corners and screaming at the seams of the universe. There are also a ton of people clamoring to the already overused “Leia is now a Disney Princess” meme. On the other hand, Disney fans seem pretty excited about the news, but they love everything so its hard to take them seriously.

"The forecast is wind and RAINBOWS!"

“The forecast is wind and RAINBOWS!”

However, everyone should share that rosy-cheeked Disney-brand optimism. Because, to the surprise of no one, theStar Wars purists are laughably short-sighted.

Remember a few paragraphs ago? When I included that equation involving old potatoes?

For the past decade, Star Wars fans have complained about Episodes 1-3 (6 should be in there, but I digress). The prequels, they claim, took everything they loved from the original films and covered it with sewage and tears. So why, why is anyone complaining that the catalyst of sewage and tears has been removed from the equation?

Granted, this picture is terrifying.

Granted, this picture is terrifying.

If you want a real-world example, do you recall when Disney bought Marvel comics? Did that huge merger make you wretch as well? You remember the widespread pessimism and Disney stock drops and nerd tears?

Now think about that movie you saw eight times over the summer. You remember The Avengers? Of course you do. All the pessimism and nerd rage was instantly silenced when that film ran away with the entire summer box office. No one complains anymore, because Disney made a giant, entertaining, immensely popular film.

With that kind of record, why worry about this merger? Disney knows the stakes, and will spend all their money and power making sure Star Wars Episode 7 is worthy of your allowance. If nothing else, you’ll get something mediocre. That would be better than the prequels, correct?

Some people (again, the purists) fear Disney will dumb down the Star Wars experience. That’s laughable, because simplification is exactly what the franchise needs. Disney will do everything to make Episode 7 awesome, while the purists will complain about timeline and extended universe. My question is an unrestrained “Why the hell?”

Remain suspicious if you want. Nothing can live up to the loftiest expectation of a Star Wars purist, or even a Star Wars fan. However, those expectations have already been destroyed. We are starting from square one, and that fact should be exciting. Just imagine a new Star Wars with the entertainment quality and flashiness of The Avengers. Now stop drooling, it’s disgusting.

Disney will do something better than what we’ve gotten in the past decade. Your lack of faith is… unfounded. Whew, that was close. So can we agree that this merger is the best thing to happen to Star Wars in a long, long time?

YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

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