In Defense of Kristen Stewart


Open scene.

I don’t really like this, uh, entry, because… well, you know. Or you know any online thing either, I just don’t really… never mind, it’s just really… [his lower lip quivers, a flickering flame matching his wavering courage].

[You turn to leave, probably to Facebook]

No, NO I won’t stop writing these stupid things, I just want everything to… Uh, you know. All of… that. [his passion slowly, surely twisting into rhythmic heartache… then softly…] Just don’t stop, you know, uh, reading them, okay? Can I trust you with that? [suddenly, like a flash of summer thunder] Can I trust you with that?

[And you depart, slightly creeped out, leaving my quivering form puddled on the floor. The world fades, but the weeping remains.] 

End scene.

Stop applauding, I don’t need any more Oscars or Tonys or Nobel Prizes… please, stop, I have a blog to write! Yeah, I’ll give you some tips later, Sorkin…

Fans, right? Anyway, down to business.

You know where I’m going with this. In any defense of Miss Stewart, everyone points out the impossibility of Twilightdialogue. Not even Meryl Streep and Daniel Day-Lewis could approach… never mind, that imaginary Twilight is an awesome, huge distraction.

But seriously, imagine you were given that material. You delivered it like a slacked-jawed hipster (the script nearly demands it), and were subsequently deemed a terrible actor with no talent. Is any amount of money worth the shame and self-disappointment?

"Uh, did someone say I could, like, have some money?"

“Uh, did someone say I could, like, have some money?”

I too will begin with this argument, even though it’s easy. Most people agree that Twilight is disgustingly melodramatic, perhaps suited to a special few. And by “special,” I mean “run up and grab your beltloops” special. That, and the guilty pleasure crowd. I have other problems with this series, but I’ll save that for another time. Because, lest we forget, Twilight is not the only thing in Miss Stewarts’s repertoire.

Let’s see, according to her IMDB, she has appeared in… well, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas… we’ll just skip that one, I’m sure it’s a fluke.

She was Jody Foster’s daughter in Panic Room. That wasn’t terrible, right? Right?

Okay, here’s one, she was in Zathura: A Space Adventure. Remember that weird space clone of Jumanji? …  “No” you don’t remember it, or “no” I shouldn’t mention it?

Here we go, Snow White and the Huntsman, that was… a movie.

To be fair, there was worse acting in that one...

To be fair, there was worse acting in that one…

But in seriousness, Stewart’s small role in Into the Wild was pretty good. And I’ve been assured The Messengers is alright. And her part in The Runaways was mildly praised (meaning I liked it). And she’ll be in that upcoming Jack Kerouac-novel-turned-movie (the perfect venue for slack-jawed hipsters) and… Snow White and the Huntsman 2. Agginfragginblaggersflag.

Speaking of SWatH (love the acronym, but hope to never use it again), some people don’t like Miss Stewart because of her recent cheating scandal. But let’s remember that she’s a Hollywood actress. It could’ve been much worse. I mean, have you ever heard of the weird stuff in Old Hollywood? Marlene Dietrich makes a single cheating scandal look like a church service.

Call me when you're seducing your husband's foreign mistress...

Call me when you’re seducing your husband’s foreign mistress…

But Old Hollywood aside, Miss Stewart’s cheating was only sad because Mr. Pattinson remained devoted. I can’t say their relationship will last, but his devotion is at least mildly interesting. And now they’re back together, so who cares?

And as for Miss Stewart’s profession, I would rate her acting prowess somewhere between mediocre and middling. In other words, completely unworthy of outright hatred or any real attention. She’s young and pretty (I’ve been assured) and has potential to rid herself of the Twilight umbrella. Maybe one day, she’ll be in something redeeming. And it should be said, she has more ability than both of her major co-stars combined.

Pictured: Nothing of import.

Pictured: Nothing of import.

That Twilight shadow is huge, but let’s not pretend it defines Kristen Stewart. Bella Swan serves as a hollow vessel for reader/viewer embodiment. That, my friends, is the hardest thing to act. No one can make the hollow vessel an interesting character. No one.



But let’s be honest. Twilight isn’t terrible just because of Miss Stewart. There are plenty of other things wrong with that series. Specifically, the laughable film series. But you know, that’s a topic for another time.

Like next week.

[The world fades, but the weeping remains.]


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