In Defense of Lindsay Lohan

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Ladies and gentlemen of the jury… I weep in fear.

Monsters loom on the horizon: Michael Bay, Nickleback, the Comic Sans font. I even plan on defending the cruel media villain behind “Friday” and “Thanksgiving.” So obviously, I’m forecasting rage-induced catatonia in my future.

However, this week, one young (ahem) lady rose to the top. Or sank to the bottom, whichever tired metaphor you prefer. Ladies and gentlemen, on this day I present Lindsay LohanPardon my bewildered screams.

You're not gonna make this easy, are ya?

You’re not gonna make this easy, are ya?

For those of you who don’t watch celebrity gossip shows, some of her recent rebuke is deserved. I scraped around the bottom of the internet and found clips of her recent Lifetime biopic, Liz and Dick. Initial opinions range from “Ha!” to “Huh?”. So yeah, it’s pretty bad.

But I assumed I was only seeing the terrible parts. Cruelty is the internet norm after all, and I wasn’t about to jump on the comment-section bandwagon. But as my clips added up to over an hour of movietime, I came to a troubling-yet-expected conclusion.

Liz and Dick is laughably awful. Like, Mommie Dearest awful.

Oh, I could digress so much right now...

Oh, I could digress so much right now…

Miss Lohan wanted a comeback, that much is clear. I also understand how risk-taking gets you out of an acting slump. I get the necessity of her tactics. But after watching this… I’m just flabbergasted.

It’s not just a matter of being bad. I’ve seen clips that made me wince. Like, real uncomfortable pain. I researched Kristen Stewart and never felt so uneasy, not once. I wanted to laugh, and I did. My ass off, actually. But it all felt cruel and unusual, like a rabid giraffe on psychosis meds.

"Humph! I am so pissy right now!"

“Humph! I am so pissy right now!”

You’re gonna portray one of the most volatile and seductive actresses in history sans credible acting experience? I mean, shoot for the stars and all, but jeez. At best, you’re a pouty teen in family films. Elizabeth Taylor starred inWho’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and A Place in the Sun. You can’t hit a home run with a celery stick.

I’ll try to avoid weird metaphors from now on, but no promises.

To be frank, Liz and Dick is a tragic miscalculation. When public opinion is low anyway, never give people a reason to poke you. You’ll just end up punching drunk ladies at nightclubs. And Lindsay Lohan wasn’t so hot in the first place.

Unfortunately for her, any real charm she once possessed disappeared underneath an avalanche of drugs and misdemeanors. Why do we continue to harp on Lindsay Lohan, even when she’s not giving panty shots to paparazzi? Or at least, fewer?

The consensus answer: the false good girl image of yesteryear and her shallow attempt to recapture the illusory fame that she never really deserved.

Dang. That’s a pretty astute answer. Okay, one step at a time.

Not helping.

Not helping.

Firstly, there are good Lindsay Lohan movies. “Mean Girls” and “Freaky Friday” are both pretty entertaining, far better than recent offerings (I’m looking at you, “Herbie: Fully Loaded”). And sure, she wasn’t great when she hosted SNL, but neither were January Jones, Michael Phelps or Steven Seagal. Heck, Andy Samberg and Jimmy Fallon were on the show for years without retribution.

Guys, GUYS! You're both equally terrible!

Guys, GUYS! You’re both equally terrible!

Notice I did not bring up Lohan’s “singing” career. Got enough on my plate.

As for the false good girl image, no one is pretending anymore, not even Lohan. In her SNL opening, she applied a great deal of self-depreciating humor. Her image may be poisoned, but she has a good sense of humor about it. I find that admirable, even if her acting chops were found lacking,

In the end, perhaps she should have faded into obscurity. That would have been the smart thing, given multiple fiascos and a complex family life. However, troubled stars have made comebacks before. She’s not hopeless, no matter how much Liz and Dick tries to prove me wrong.

Sadly, Miss Lohan is desperate for fame, yet mired in infamy. I don’t envy that. It’s gotta be terrible being wedged between rocks and hard places. I wish her all the best, because it’s gonna be hard for her. But it’s not impossible.

I think it’s only fair to give Lindsay Lohan another chance. After all, she has some potential underneath the mediocrity, however minute that might be. My only advice? Stay away from whoever made Liz and Dick. They’re worse than Mommie Dearest.

NO! No digressing!

NO! No digressing!

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