In Defense of Kim Kardashian

kimhead You know how I occasionally try to be timely? Like, someone controversial almost dies and I attempt to defend them? This week may be my most timely piece ever. ‘Cause Kim Kardashian totally ate a sandwich.

According to this breaking piece on EOnline.com, Ms. (Miss? Mrs.? Who even knows anymore) Kardashian recently shot an Instagram of, get this, an In-N-Out Burger and cheese fries! Reaching further into newsworthy expression, she Tweeted, “Damn!!! I spoke too soon! My 1st pregnancy craving! #InNOut#EnjoyingEveryBite.”

“Girl, yes, yes, yes, enjoy every bite,” EOnline writer Rebecca Macatee expounds. “Of course, for the most part, Kim is super dedicated to eating healthfully, so the occasional fast-food indulgence is a real treat.”

I instantly saw a connection. Empty, unimportant social updates? Melodrama? Artificial air of importance? This one article summarizes Kim Kardashian’s celebrity with startling acuity.

Or maybe I’m just feeling In-N-Out cravings. It’s one hell of a sandwich.

Hang on... I'll just... save Kim's Instagram to my desktop... and... moving on.

Hang on… I’ll just… save Kim’s Instagram to my desktop… and… moving on.

Shall I go through some non-delicious EOnline news? Joss Grossman writes, “Will Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s baby be a boy or a girl? That’s the question on everyone’s mind, (ha!) most notably Jay Leno’s, when the star appeared on The Tonight Show Thursday night. She said, “My momager…”

Nope, done.

How about Brett Malec, who writes, “Listen up, Kim Kardashian. Reality TV mom Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi has some advice on how to look ‘glam,’ even when you’re giving birth!”

Yeah, ’cause screaming women expelling infants should totes be more glitzy. Nothing’s quite as drab as a dilating cervix, and we need some updates on stirrup fashion. C-Section? “C” ya later!

Or here’s Bruna Nessif, who writes, “Bedazzle that baby bump, girl!”

…That’s possibly the best sentence ever.

Ooooooh... that's another article right there...

Ooooooh… that’s another article right there…

Let me point out, I just quoted four different Kim Kardashian writers in a few minutes. There were six others that I didn’t quote, and many many more. EOnline is desperate to keep up with all the breaking news. How else would we know the shape of Kim’s closet, Kim’s latest footwear or Kim’s opinion on pregnancy spanx? Totes for, BTW.

Why would they do this? Well, those articles end with “Don’t miss Kourtney & Kim Take Miami Sunday at 9 p.m. on E!” E!, EOnline… ah. Money.

EOnline has stake, but that doesn’t completely inform the Kardashian phenomena. There are many other credible sources (entertainment sites can be credible!) that chase Kim around while screaming questions about butt size and baby weight. …They’re still “credible,” dammit!

"Like, when I did I get an armpit logo? Where's my momager?"

“Like, when I did I get an armpit logo? Where’s my momager?”

And you wouldn’t be wrong to ponder, “Why is Kim Kardashian even famous in the first place?” Of course, that question doesn’t really have an answer.

Sure, she has a slew of reality shows. But so does Honey Boo Boo, and she’s not held as a fashionista. But maybe that stupefying prospect is on the way?

Nope.

“If you’ve been waiting at the edge of your seat for news of a “Honey Boo Boo for Wal-Mart” clothing line, or thumbing through the TV listings looking for the premiere of Mama June & Sugar Bear Take L.A., better brace yourself for bad news,” writes Babble.com writer Shana Aborn. Aborn’s piece is titled, “Honey Boo Boo’s Mama June: My Girls Will Never Be Kardashians!

So the Boo Boo’s hate the Kardashians. Oh, and Kris Jenner (the momager) hates Mama June, apparently. It’s like an awesome modern blood feud a’la Hatfields and McCoys. Seriously, that would be one of the best things on television. Someone get on that now.

"Mama, she done stoled my outfit!"

“Mama, she done stoled my outfit!”

It’s perfect. ‘Cause deep down, they’re the same.

Both families are celebrity shills, both families keep up with an over-exaggerated lifestyle, both families are underserving of television. But we are interested in them because they represent lives vastly different from our own. For the vain and wealth obsessed, we have Kardashian. For people wanting a bar lower than themselves, the Boo Boo’s. They actually fulfill the same function, which makes them easy to defend.

Kinda.

Kinda.

So the Kardashians were catapulted to stardom. So are thousands of others (to different success rates, eh, Amish in the City?). The difference is the lasting appeal. The Kardashians have gone through multiple publicity stunts, from marriages to spinoffs, all to desperately clutch their waning celebrity. ‘Cause who gets impregnated by Kanye on purpose? I mean, c’mon.

In a way, it’s sad. But it’s what they want, and damn… they certainly got it.

There are so many people like Kim Kardashian (probably more than we realize). However, few pursue celebrity with this level of gusto. She wanted to be famous, and now she has her own section on multiple websites. Some of that’s for artificial rating inflation, but who cares? People are talking about her, and that’s what she wants.

I don’t know how she did it (wealthy parents I suppose), but I wouldn’t complain if I had similar ability. Maybe we hate her lifestyle, maybe we’re jealous, or maybe we simply don’t care. But regardless, she got exactly what she wanted in life. Who knows? Maybe I’d chase vapid celebrity as well. Maybe I have more in common with Kim Kardashian than mere sandwich cravings.

In any case, she’s famous now. Should that fact elicit respect, or pity? Maybe a little of both.

Oh... leaning toward pity...

Oh… leaning toward pity…

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