In Defense of Waffle House

wafflehousehead

As I late-night feast on Ready Rice and Pop-Tarts, I want to remind you that I have exquisite taste. I enjoy the finer things in life, like Big Bucket O’ Noodle, homemade wine from a crockpot and the rare Arby’s dish. So it means quite a lot when I say Waffle House has the greasiest food that’s ever slid down my gullet.

But for some reason, people have taken this opinion as proof that I don’t like Waffle House. Why wouldn’t I love “eggs” and “toast” soaked in “bacon” grease? Who doesn’t enjoy the company of overweight big-riggers and chain-smoking grandmothers? What’s unappealing about an entire restaurant gleaming with a slick sheen of… um… something?

But I love Waffle House. Not jokingly as is my wont, not ironically like a jerk (as is also my wont). I would go there all the time, if I wasn’t so pleased with Long John Silvers. Because, need I remind you, I am the very definition of food bon vivant.

"Marvelous. Oh, no thank you, I brought my own mayonnaise packets."

“Marvelous. Oh, no thank you, I brought my own mayonnaise packets.”

So I’ve probably lost most of you. For some strange reason, my gourmandian habits cause people to flee. It’s difficult being at the top of the taste chain. But I digress. I simply must stop talking about my epicurean lifestyle. Mostly because I ran out of food terminology.

Oh wait, I’m a gourmet. And… tapped.

So obviously I have no room to talk. I’ve never been one for expensive foods or fancy eateries. I frequent pizza buffets and gas station cuisine, after all. However, I know how to identify the worst restaurants. I still complain about White Castle outings and KFC trips. I can be snooty with the best of them.

But I’m quitting the food snooty. Not because I pinch my pennies more often, not for the timeliness of fast food, and not in an attempt to be a better person. It’s actually much simpler.

I got bored.

"Wut?"

“Wut?”

Okay, let me make myself clear. I understand wanting to enjoy food. I understand the occasional outing to fancier restaurants. However, I see absolutely no reason to go fancy all the time. That’s just a need to keep up appearances and resist social judgments, which is petty and vain.

I also understand restaurant preference. I prefer Long John Silvers to Waffle House (go ahead, retch away). But outright refusing an eatery because of pride? Because of vanity? Because you’re better than the normal clientele?

It makes you a snob. And snobs are boring.

"Is that... gravy? Cheese? Oh good lord."

“Is that… gravy? Cheese? Oh good lord.”

Blogger Caroline Moore of Mommyverbs.wordpress.com had a similar epiphany.

“My Waffle House snobbery and aversion comes from my general disdain and un-comfort-level with fast food places. And as I continue on this journey of health coaching classes and integrative nutrition, the more I grow to hate fast and fake food for me and my family.”

She then writes about indoctrinating her children against Taco Bell. Yay for spreading unnecessary hatred and social judgments to the next generation, eh? Anyway, I’ll skip to the good part.

“My good friend, in her attempts to sell me on the Waffle House, shared their family saying: ‘You never leave Waffle House without a story.'”

Yes. Right there, yes.

Ain't no weddin' like a  Waffle House weddin'.

Ain’t no weddin’ like a  Waffle House weddin’.

Blogger Man Martin comes from the opposite corner.

“In my opinion, a person who doesn’t like Waffle House is the same sort of person who’s too snooty to consider stepping into a Wal-Mart or eating cold pizza for breakfast. The sort of person who’s never – even for one minute – watched roller derby or will admit to being licked on the face by a golden retriever. This is not a person who’ll pull and eat fresh crackling from a smoked pig sitting in a wheelbarrow, as I have done. In short, a snob.”

Yes, the very definition of snob. But even though Martin may overgeneralize, he has a point. People take themselves a little too seriously when it comes to certain topics, like dog-licking, Wal-Mart and Waffle House. We need to let some of that go.

“Tacky” restaurants are great at serving humble pie (buh dum cha!). There is a time for seriousness, and a time for enjoyment. Not taking yourself seriously allows fun to be had in any situation, like when a waitress calls you “darlin'” and spills coffee in your lap. And let me be clear, it’s not about laughing at other people. Don’t be a jerk. You can make fun of something without being mean.

It’s just not my specialty. Buh dum cha.

I could tear their menu design apart, but no meanness right now.

I could tear their menu design apart, but no meanness right now.

You see, snobbery and snootiness is all about elevating yourself above other people. Refusing Waffle House just means you think you’re better than everyone who goes there. It’s wrong, and it’s boring. Good stories come from interesting places, and I think we can all agree that Waffle House is more interesting than Applebee’s.

Just be willing to make fun of yourself sometimes. Don’t be a snoot. And let’s recognize the awesome power of Waffle House. ‘Cause it’s kinda awesome.

How could you refuse this?

How could you refuse this?

Now pardon me, but I have some buttered styrofoam that needs attention. See? Funnier than chicken breast, see?

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