In Defense of Camo Fashion

camohead

White for purity. Black for new-age elegance. Ivory for traditionalism (and perhaps tainted innocence, let’s not pretend). Blue for serenity, pink for inappropriate flirtation, green for sheer insanity. According to my bridal research, I’ve summarized the essentials of wedding dress chromaticity.

So what the hell does camo mean?

So what the hell does that mean?

Let’s play wedding dress analysis. I see a lot of green and off-white, both of which make sense for Mama June of Honey Boo Boo fame. But orange in a wedding dress? Hm. According to weddingwire.com it represents energy, which I guess is fine. I prefer the association with traffic signs. Danger, fear, warning… makes more sense to me.

But I have no need to criticize Mama June’s designer sense. I could, but I’d have to devote many more words than I’m able.

And some moments of shocked silence...

And some moments of shocked silence…

But the wedding of Mama June and Sugar Bear last Saturday made me curious. Why does camouflage carry a negative connotation? Outside of the military, why is it reserved for trailer trash or rubes or ironic jerks? Also, what fancy camo pics could I share with my readership?

There are lots.

Traffic sign orange is a great accent, especially paired with a garbage bag suit...

Traffic sign orange is a great accent, especially paired with a garbage bag suit…

But I found that clothes are only the tip of the trash heap. It may technically be outside my topic of “camo fashion,” but you haven’t known camo-disgust until you’ve seen…

"Awkwardly uncomfortable on the camo-couch,"

“Awkwardly uncomfortable on the camo-couch,”

"Camo-SUV for muddin', gettin' kids to soccer practice,"

“Camo-SUV for muddin’, gettin’ kids to soccer practice,”

and "Appropriate."

and “Appropriate.”

So let’s not pretend camouflage carries a positive connotation, despite association with the army. With the military, it makes sense. It’s practical. The army has something to hide from, whereas a toilet seat doesn’t need the tactical advantage of semi-invisibility. If anything, that would hinder it’s function.

I’m talking about camouflage in the civilian world, where the net result is highly negative. It’s not the type of pattern that screams “couture,” since it’s considered tacky by many and hilariously abhorrent by others. If you agree with neither sentiment, you are either brave or silly. Possibly both. I tip my hat to you.

I may never wear it, but I digress.

I may never wear it, but I digress.

Camo serves a function for hunting or… well, that’s essentially it, so the practice of using the pattern in wedding or prom dresses is an interesting trend. For some people, the lifestyle association with camouflage so perfectly encapsulates their life that a camo wedding dress is fine. At least, in their eyes. Somehow.

I admire the ability to do something that makes you feel comfortable, despite what others may say. I can’t fault the people wearing fancy camo, unless they’re doing so to belittle through mockery. You know, the “ironic” people. They’re just turds.

I’m just not sure how people could wear something like this and feel anything other than embarrassment:

And they look so happy and cute and...

And they look so happy and cute and…

…wait, what is that in the bottom left corner, just out of frame? Is that…

Good lord, they match the living room set. I feel sick.

Good lord, they match the living room set. I feel sick.

I don’t think I’ll get to bottom of this. It’s a pattern with an association, one I probably can’t overcome. However, there are lots of people who absolutely love it. A gaudy camouflage pattern somehow represents their passions, and I respect commitment to that ideal. And if something like camoformal.com can exist without mockery, I’m… mostly fine with that.

And to be fair, not all of them are horrendous.

And to be fair, not all of them are horrendous.

Just don't wear them in the forest.

Just don’t wear them in the forest.

So we can associate camo couture with hicks and crazies, but I imagine most of them would be fine with that. For the people who love it, it’s who they are. They’re proud of their camouflage wedding dresses. Or at least, they pretend to be for cameras. Honey Boo Boo hadn’t been in the news for a while…

Camo couture is something even the people who like it can jest about. It takes events or occasions with certain expectations (proms, weddings), merges them with something tacky and gives rise to some form of humor. In fact, I think camo couture requires a pretty fantastic sense of humor, and I’m all for that.

You know, maybe a camo wedding dress represents willingness to find humor in life. Or maybe it’s unhindered passion for something you love. Or possibly self-confidence in the face of adversity. Which are all great things for a wedding, actually… makes white look kinda boring. Hmm.

Crap. My wife’s gonna hate me.

"JUSTIN! We NEED to talk about this 'dress' you thought I should wear! COME OUT, YOU COWARD!"

“JUSTIN! We NEED to talk about this ‘dress’ you thought I should wear! COME OUT, YOU COWARD!”

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