A lot needs to be covered this week, both in content and skin. But first, I’ll address your most pressing concern.
I realize my finger is directly in Raphaella’s armpit. What of it? The more important question: why doesn’t Donatella have her staff? Missed opportunity. And it’d make more sense than Michelangela’s nunchaku. Nothing makes nunchucks sexy. They’re like duckfaces, in that way… LeaNona.
But I’ll try to be equal opportunity here. I’d hate to only provide Halloween eye candy to those who like sexy pouts and polyethylene. So here are the sexiest commercial Ninja Turtle costumes for men. Careful, you might get hot and/or bothered.
Now you might have other concerns, apart from a Turtlette’s underarm. I’ll get to those. But for now, I need to lay out some rules.
In the past I wrote about pet costumes, which are only adorable and stupid (and occasionally “sexy”). This year it’s time for humans. So ground rules. If any of my pictures are too scandalous, I’ll immediately post the pictorial equivalent of a cold shower. So if the Turtlettes were a little too hot for you…
And with that, let’s defend sexy Halloween costumes. Cowabunga.
I’ll start with the bad. This fantastic Cracked article by Kathy Benjamin addresses some factoids about the sexy halloween costume industry, including how much money it makes by selling repurposed trash bags. However, the most disturbing fact was how young this bullshit starts. Let’s look at the first four costume options for girls, under the “Career” section of Party City’s website.
Starts off well enough. The cops are really pushing it, but what little girl wants to be a car hop for Halloween? Does any 8-year-old have working knowledge of ’60s fast food service? I don’t know. Just seems really bizarre to be Option #4 of 6.
Oh, did I not mention there’s only 2 other career options? And both show a lot of leg?
Meanwhile, boys have…
34 in total. And some of them overlap with the girls. Stupid men stealing all the surgeon costumes…
Granted, this is only one of the girl categories (others include Disney Princesses and Colonial, bizarrely), but it goes beyond choice. As Benjamin so eloquently writes, “Boys get to look like tiny versions of professional adults. Girls have to dress up like tiny stripper versions of professional adults.”
So is it any wonder “Halloween costume” becomes synonymous with stripperish? Even the surgeon can’t get away unscathed once womanhood approaches.
Maybe Party City just has weird groupings. After all, a lot of boys want to be ninjas or superheroes, and a lot of girls want to be… animals in skirts. But I looked at different website categories, across age lines. Take Buycostumes.com, for instance. Categories for men are, in this order, “Funny – Video Games – Storybook – Plus Size.” Make your own conclusions. And way down at the bottom is inflatable ballerina, in case you were curious. I was…
But for Women, we have “Sexy – Historical – Scary – Funny.” So…
Oh, and before I forget…
Seriously, who would buy that? They lose whatever dignity they have, and showcase a tastelessness that should be kept secret. It’s the kind of costume that should earn scorn for centuries. 2 Broke Girls? Ick. Luckily, sexy Halloween costumes are easier to defend than that mess.
Let’s start with Deborah Tolman, director of the Center for Research on Gender and Sexuality at San Francisco State University. She recently spoke with the New York Times in an article titled, “Good Girls Go Bad, for a Day.”
According to Dr. Tolman, part of this depends on the spirit of the sexy.
Dr. Tolman asserts there’s a difference between feeling sexy and looking sexy, the former creating confidence and the later depending on perverts. For some women, it can be fun to dress up in the spirit of feeling sexy. Trying to look sexy is dangerous, but it’s a weird line and varies per individual.
Tolman added that some women use Halloween as a “safe space,” taking sexuality over the top to make fun of it, similar to men doing drag. She admits it’s not “necessarily so well thought out,” but it’s a start.
She said, “The humor gives you a sense of power and confidence that just being sexy doesn’t.”
But notice the integral word there: Humor.
Remember those categories? For men, “Funny” is the first thing. And most of the other costumes are humorous to some degree (mostly sexual or punny, but still “humor”). None of it is really taken seriously.
For women, “Sexy” is first and poisons everything else. But most importantly, there’s a degree of seriousness that’s totally ludicrous. Why do men get to have fun, while women feel the need to be Halloween hot?
For an example, here’s a story of Melissa McCarthy going to a Halloween party, summarized by the Huffington Post.
McCarthy said, “I thought, ‘Oh, this’ll be great. I’ll go as my Aunt Bernice,’ and we showed up and every single woman was in a different kind of bikini. It was like, ‘What are you?’ ‘I’m a cave girl!’ Fur bikini. ‘I’m a medic!’ Just two crosses and there’s, like, a stethoscope around her waist. Every single woman had a bikini on of a different ilk.
“Literally, people were like, ‘What are you?’ And I was like, ‘I’m my Aunt Bernice from Skokie.’ And they were like, ‘Why would you do that?’ They were so horrified that I looked like that. Like, it wasn’t funny.”
Isn’t that sad? McCarthy had a fun idea, and it’s ruined by ladies who take Halloween seriously for absolutely no reason.
I don’t know how to fix this. But the first step’s admitting Halloween is stupid, in a good way. Being serious about it is stupid, in a bad way. Rules 1 and 2.
And on the sexy topic: If you want to be sexy, be something ridiculous (but act fast, sexy Olaf the Snowman already sold out). Also, make sure it’s for yourself, not the expectation that you have to be hot for Halloween. Because, again, Halloween is stupid.
And finally, if you’re a kid, don’t be a car hop. Oh, and adults, don’t do anything with nunchucks. Or duckface. Scratch that, Rule #1 should be no duckface.
Whether or not it’s sexy, let’s make Halloween fun for everyone. No more serious. Equal opportunity.