In Defense of Lindsay Lohan

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury… I weep in fear.

Monsters loom on the horizon: Michael Bay, Nickleback, the Comic Sans font. I even plan on defending the cruel media villain behind “Friday” and “Thanksgiving.” So obviously, I’m forecasting rage-induced catatonia in my future.

However, this week, one young (ahem) lady rose to the top. Or sank to the bottom, whichever tired metaphor you prefer. Ladies and gentlemen, on this day I present Lindsay Lohan. Pardon my bewildered screams.

You’re not gonna make this easy, are ya?

For those of you who don’t watch celebrity gossip shows, some of her recent rebuke is deserved. I scraped around the bottom of the internet and found clips of her recent Lifetime biopic, Liz and Dick. Initial opinions range from “Ha!” to “Huh?”. So yeah, it’s pretty bad.

But I assumed I was only seeing the terrible parts. Cruelty is the internet norm after all, and I wasn’t about to jump on the comment-section bandwagon. But as my clips added up to over an hour of movietime, I came to a troubling-yet-expected conclusion.

Liz and Dick is laughably awful. Like, Mommie Dearest awful.

Oh, I could digress so much right now…

Miss Lohan wanted a comeback, that much is clear. I also understand how risk-taking gets you out of an acting slump. I get the necessity of her tactics. But after watching this… I’m just flabbergasted.

It’s not just a matter of being bad. I’ve seen clips that made me wince. Like, real uncomfortable pain. I researched Kristen Stewart and never felt so uneasy, not once. I wanted to laugh, and I did. My ass off, actually. But it all felt cruel and unusual, like a rabid giraffe on psychosis meds.

“Humph! I am so pissy right now!”

You’re gonna portray one of the most volatile and seductive actresses in history sans credible acting experience? I mean, shoot for the stars and all, but jeez. At best, you’re a pouty teen in family films. Elizabeth Taylor starred inWho’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and A Place in the Sun. You can’t hit a home run with a celery stick.

I’ll try to avoid weird metaphors from now on, but no promises.

To be frank, Liz and Dick is a tragic miscalculation. When public opinion is low anyway, never give people a reason to poke you. You’ll just end up punching drunk ladies at nightclubs. And Lindsay Lohan wasn’t so hot in the first place.

Unfortunately for her, any real charm she once possessed disappeared underneath an avalanche of drugs and misdemeanors. Why do we continue to harp on Lindsay Lohan, even when she’s not giving panty shots to paparazzi? Or at least, fewer?

The consensus answer: the false good girl image of yesteryear and her shallow attempt to recapture the illusory fame that she never really deserved.

Dang. That’s a pretty astute answer. Okay, one step at a time.

Not helping.

Firstly, there are good Lindsay Lohan movies. “Mean Girls” and “Freaky Friday” are both pretty entertaining, far better than recent offerings (I’m looking at you, “Herbie: Fully Loaded”). And sure, she wasn’t great when she hosted SNL, but neither were January Jones, Michael Phelps or Steven Seagal. Heck, Andy Samberg and Jimmy Fallon were on the show for years without retribution.

Guys, GUYS! You’re both equally terrible!

Notice I did not bring up Lohan’s “singing” career. Got enough on my plate.

As for the false good girl image, no one is pretending anymore, not even Lohan. In her SNL opening, she applied a great deal of self-depreciating humor. Her image may be poisoned, but she has a good sense of humor about it. I find that admirable, even if her acting chops were found lacking,

In the end, perhaps she should have faded into obscurity. That would have been the smart thing, given multiple fiascos and a complex family life. However, troubled stars have made comebacks before. She’s not hopeless, no matter how much Liz and Dick tries to prove me wrong.

Sadly, Miss Lohan is desperate for fame, yet mired in infamy. I don’t envy that. It’s gotta be terrible being wedged between rocks and hard places. I wish her all the best, because it’s gonna be hard for her. But it’s not impossible.

I think it’s only fair to give Lindsay Lohan another chance. After all, she has some potential underneath the mediocrity, however minute that might be. My only advice? Stay away from whoever made Liz and Dick. They’re worse than Mommie Dearest.

NO! No digressing!

In Defense of Kristen Stewart

Open scene.

I don’t really like this, uh, entry, because… well, you know. Or you know any online thing either, I just don’t really… never mind, it’s just really… [his lower lip quivers, a flickering flame matching his wavering courage].

[You turn to leave, probably to Facebook]

No, NO I won’t stop writing these stupid things, I just want everything to… Uh, you know. All of… that. [his passion slowly, surely twisting into rhythmic heartache… then softly…] Just don’t stop, you know, uh, reading them, okay? Can I trust you with that? [suddenly, like a flash of summer thunder] Can I trust you with that?

[And you depart, slightly creeped out, leaving my quivering form puddled on the floor. The world fades, but the weeping remains.] 

End scene.

Stop applauding, I don’t need any more Oscars or Tonys or Nobel Prizes… please, stop, I have a blog to write! Yeah, I’ll give you some tips later, Sorkin…

Fans, right? Anyway, down to business.

You know where I’m going with this. In any defense of Miss Stewart, everyone points out the impossibility of Twilightdialogue. Not even Meryl Streep and Daniel Day-Lewis could approach… never mind, that imaginary Twilight is an awesome, huge distraction.

But seriously, imagine you were given that material. You delivered it like a slacked-jawed hipster (the script nearly demands it), and were subsequently deemed a terrible actor with no talent. Is any amount of money worth the shame and self-disappointment?

“Uh, did someone say I could, like, have some money?”

I too will begin with this argument, even though it’s easy. Most people agree that Twilight is disgustingly melodramatic, perhaps suited to a special few. And by “special,” I mean “run up and grab your beltloops” special. That, and the guilty pleasure crowd. I have other problems with this series, but I’ll save that for another time. Because, lest we forget, Twilight is not the only thing in Miss Stewarts’s repertoire.

Let’s see, according to her IMDB, she has appeared in… well, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas… we’ll just skip that one, I’m sure it’s a fluke.

She was Jody Foster’s daughter in Panic Room. That wasn’t terrible, right? Right?

Okay, here’s one, she was in Zathura: A Space Adventure. Remember that weird space clone of Jumanji? …  “No” you don’t remember it, or “no” I shouldn’t mention it?

Here we go, Snow White and the Huntsman, that was… a movie.

To be fair, there was worse acting in that one…

But in seriousness, Stewart’s small role in Into the Wild was pretty good. And I’ve been assured The Messengers is alright. And her part in The Runaways was mildly praised (meaning I liked it). And she’ll be in that upcoming Jack Kerouac-novel-turned-movie (the perfect venue for slack-jawed hipsters) and… Snow White and the Huntsman 2. Agginfragginblaggersflag.

Speaking of SWatH (love the acronym, but hope to never use it again), some people don’t like Miss Stewart because of her recent cheating scandal. But let’s remember that she’s a Hollywood actress. It could’ve been much worse. I mean, have you ever heard of the weird stuff in Old Hollywood? Marlene Dietrich makes a single cheating scandal look like a church service.

Call me when you’re seducing your husband’s foreign mistress…

But Old Hollywood aside, Miss Stewart’s cheating was only sad because Mr. Pattinson remained devoted. I can’t say their relationship will last, but his devotion is at least mildly interesting. And now they’re back together, so who cares?

And as for Miss Stewart’s profession, I would rate her acting prowess somewhere between mediocre and middling. In other words, completely unworthy of outright hatred or any real attention. She’s young and pretty (I’ve been assured) and has potential to rid herself of the Twilight umbrella. Maybe one day, she’ll be in something redeeming. And it should be said, she has more ability than both of her major co-stars combined.

Pictured: Nothing of import.

That Twilight shadow is huge, but let’s not pretend it defines Kristen Stewart. Bella Swan serves as a hollow vessel for reader/viewer embodiment. That, my friends, is the hardest thing to act. No one can make the hollow vessel an interesting character. No one.

Well…

But let’s be honest. Twilight isn’t terrible just because of Miss Stewart. There are plenty of other things wrong with that series. Specifically, the laughable film series. But you know, that’s a topic for another time.

Like next week.

[The world fades, but the weeping remains.]

In Defense of Adam Sandler

No. I won’t do it. You can’t make me. And yes, I would rather be a petulant child than praise a man-child.

That’s the end of the column this week. Bye-bye. See ya later. Sayonara.

. . .

You’re really gonna make me do this, aren’t you? You cruel monster.

Don’t you act innocent! You know what you did!

Will you at least let me air my grievances a bit before I defend? Ha, as if you have any choice.

Mr. Sandler began his professional acting career as the most distractingly terrible cast member in SNL history. His buffoonery was even worse than Andy Samberg’s brainless grin or Jimmy Fallon’s. . . well, all of Jimmy Fallon. The only notable segment in his SNL repertoire was a song about Hanukkah, a trite ditty that asks the eternal question, “How long can we stand this crap?”

The correct answer is “make him stop right now.” Apparently, 90’s America wasn’t too bright. Surprise, surprise.

Since those early days, Sandler has garnered his own production company, and starred in many can-barely-be-called films. The supposed “good” days of Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison are far behind us, replaced by a cross-dressing putz rebelling against hygiene and decency. This may sound like internet hyperbole, but there is a reason he recently won all the Razzies.

Honestly, did we really need to see Al Pacino tickling the hairy armpits of tranny-Sandler? Oh lord, I just wrote that sentence.

“Can you both lean a little closer to the fire? Little more… little more…”

Step away, Justin. . . breathe, regain composure.

After all, that was just Jack and Jill. Everyone hated Jack and Jill. Since then, he starred in That’s My Boy… with Andy Samberg and Vanilla Ice. So yeah, we’ll just ignore that one. And now he’s voicing Dracula in Hotel Transylvania… with the voices of Andy Samberg and Fran Drescher and David Spade and and Cee Lo Green and Miley Cyrus.

A question. Did he insist on hiring the most grating voices on the planet, making his own voice tolerable by comparison? ‘Cause I can totally believe that.

To his credit, Sandler is the least terrifying thing in this picture. It’s always the cosplayers…

Despite my passionate antagonism, I researched Mr. Sandler. There are actually many online articles titled, “In Defense of Adam Sandler.” Most take my stance, defending while simultaneously bashing.

Jason Diamond of Splitsider.com writes, “Sandler excels at being the living embodiment of the fart joke . . . even mentioning that I like his films is useless.”

Diamond attempts to explain his admiration, saying that the Sandler brand of comedy is purely visceral. He claims there is something innately enjoyable about watching the man flounder and fail, and sometimes people need mindless entertainment to take them out of their daily troubles.

Personally, I prefer hugging rabid cats.

Grady Smith of Popwatch.com takes a more pragmatic approach, writing, “I tend to judge actors based on their drawing power, rather than their craft. Looking at the numbers, it’s impossible not to think Sandler is brilliant.”

Brilliant?

So let me get this straight. If you strip art from the equation and look at box office receipts, everything is okay!

“It’s impossible to deny that Sandler is pleasing some moviegoers out there,” Smith continues. “For every audience member who loathes Sandler’s work, there are several who would reject an “artsy-fartsy” film in favor of a “fartsy” film.”

Smith’s claim may be frustrating, but he is right. Mr. Sandler pleases his audience, as evidenced by the millions of dollars they fork over. It’s hard to say he’s dumb when he’s capitalizing on dimwittedness. In the end, Mr. Sandler is rather smart in the language of stupidity.

That’s probably the biggest compliment I can muster for Mr. Sandler.